Friday, November 29, 2013

Altered Universe: NFL Week 12 Wrapup

Wrapup of Week 12 action in the National Football League:

In the Thursday night matchup, the New Orleans Nappyhairs outlasted the Atlanta Thicklips 17-13. Nappyhair QB Drew Brees threw for a relatively quiet 278 yards and 2 first-half TDs, but the Thicklips couldn't break thru the impenetrable Nappyhairs defense, who smothered two Thicklips fourth-quarter drives deep in their territory to preserve the win.

In Sunday's action, the Pittsburgh Palefaces dominated the Cleveland Coloreds 27-11. Colored QB Jason Campbell was knocked out of the game in the 3rd quarter, continuing the Coloreds woes at that position, while Paleface QB Ben Roethlisberger continued his resurgence from early-season struggles.

The Tampa Bay Peglegs continued a resurgence of their own, defeating the Detroit Darkies 24-21 on the road, the 3rd straight victory for the Pegs after losing their first 8 games. Star wide receiver Darkie Calvin "Megatron" Johnson was kept out of the endzone for the first time in 5 games and only the 3rd time all season.

The Minnesota Flatbottoms and Green Bay Fudgepackers played to a 26-26 tie after the
Fudgers scored 16 unanswered points in the fourth quarter to force overtime at 23-all. The Fudgepackers repeatedly drove deep into Flatbottoms territory in the 4th quarter, only to have both teams go limp once the extra period arrived, mustering only a FG apiece.

The San Diego Slanteyes defeated the Kansas City Featherheads 41-38 in a back-and-forth shootout that saw 7 lead changes in the second half. The usually-stout Featherhead defense surrendered its highest point total for the season, kept off-balance by the shifty Slantyeyes offense all day long.

A dominating rushing performance led the way as the St. Louis Pantsaggers ran over, around and thru the Chicago Blackies on their way to a 42-21 victory, their second straight blowout win. While the Blackies chewed up yards on offense, they turned lethargic after turning over to their defense, which was powerless to slow down the Pantsagger running backs, giving up 258 yards on the ground.

Carolina Redneck Cam Newton engineered a game-winning drive to help defeat the Miami Mandingos, 20-16. The Mandingos kept the Rednecks at bay throughout the first half, but Carolina broke thru with a TD in each of the final 2 quarters, including the game-winner with 43 seconds left, while locking up the Mandingos offense for the entire 2nd half.

The Baltimore Badonkadonks shut down rookie Geno Smith and his New York Afros en route to a convincing 19-3 victory. After giving up an early field goal, the Badonkadonks didn't let the Afros anywhere near their red zone for the rest of the afternoon.

The Jacksonville Bigjugs smothered the Houston Hairybacks all afternoon long on their way to a 13-6 victory, their 2nd in 3 games after an 0-8 start. The Bigjugs were supported by a firm defense that held up against 34 attempted passes, yielding only 141 passing yards, and 218 yards of offense overall.

In Oakland, Ryan Fitzpatrick took his Tennessee Tinypeckers down the field to a game-winning TD with 10 seconds left to outlast the Oakland Longdongs, 23-19. The Tinypeckers and Longdongs had trouble scoring all afternoon; though each moved their balls at will, gaining nearly 800 yards combined, they repeatedly settled for FGs before the Tinypeckers pushed thru late for only the 3rd TD of the afternoon.

The Arizona Wetbacks dominated and embarrased the Indianapolis Studstallions on their way to a 40-11 victory. The Studstallions were once again listless in the first half, the 4th straight week they have fallen far behind in the opening 30 minutes.

In a key NFC East matchup, the Dallas Dotheads kicked a tiebreaking field goal as time expired to defeat the New York Giantnoses 24-21. The Big Schnozes had rallied from a 15-point deficit to tie the game before seeing their 4-game win streak come to an end.

The New England Whitemen wiped out 24-0 halftime deficit to prevail over the Denver Snowbunnies in OT on Sunday Night, 34-31. After getting behind on a slew of early turnovers, the Whitemen had their way with the Snowbunnies in the 2nd half, getting on top 31-24 before a late Bunnies TD forced overtime.

In the Monday night matchup, the San Francisco Limpwrists were nearly impenetrable on defense, particularly in the 2nd half, when they yielded a miniscule 30 total yards, by far the lowest amount for any team this year. That was more than enough support for the Limpwrist offense, who scored 3 TDs thru the air on their way to defeating the Washington Redskins 27-6.

Yea, it's sorta <a href="">like that</a>.

The Reasoning Behind NFL Week 12 Wrapup

As the debate over the naming of the Washington, D.C. NFL franchise rages on, many people have criticized the team's mascot on the grounds that racial slurs have no place in current society. Others have defended the mascot on the grounds that other teams with Native American-inspired mascots have not faced and are not facing the same scrutiny as is Washington.

Ironically, both of those camps are off base. How so? Allow me to explain.

While it is certainly true that racial slurs have no place in a decent society, there is much debate about whether the history of "redskin" even includes usage as a racial slur to begin with. Some factions within the Native American community say "yes, people have used the term to denigrate us". Others say "no, it is a term we have used to identify ourselves". How do you begin to reconcile two such diametrically-opposed views?

Answer: you don't. Because, honestly, to any free-thinking person, it doesn't matter whether the name originated as a slur or not. What does matter is something intrinsic in the term "redskin" itself, something that makes it completely unique from other slurs (real or imagined); something I will get to in a brief moment.

The second camp, as I said, is also off base (in comparing the term to other sports teams names) for one simple fact: none of the other team names focus on a physical trait of a race or ethnic group. And this, actually, is the crux of where both camps fail in their analogies.

No, we obviously would not accept "nigger" or "spic" or "honkey" or "kike" as a team mascot. But we also wouldn't accept "darktans" or "yellowskins" or "palefaces" or "longnoses". Those don't necessarily have deep and long histories as racial slurs, but they're still, clearly, unacceptable characterizations for a group of people. This is, as I alluded to earlier, what makes "redskin" unique in every regard; it is an almost patently-immature designation focused on a physical trait. There is nothing equally-moronic on a linguistic level about names like 'Braves' or 'Chiefs'; rather, it is the mascots the teams use, and moreso the overall minstrelry of cultures, that makes them offend. There is simply no way to use "redskins" in a mature way -- unless of course you're ready to go to bat for names like darkies, slantyeyes, longnoses, and shortpeckers.

That is the heart of the debate over the name, and is the reasoning behind the names chosen in the semi-faux satirical NFL wrapup: to highlight what is inherently unique about the disputed name of the Washington franchise. It is a name based on a physical trait, something which no one anywhere would accept in any other example you could possibly dream up.

It's high time we grew up and let go of our immature past already, no matter how long we've allowed ourselves to be blind to it.